Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The air was thick with penises
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
