Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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