We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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