don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
