How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
