i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
