I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
