I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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