I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
