My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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