Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
