dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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