I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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