I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
