If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
