Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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