we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
