boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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