...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
there is glitter all over my balls
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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