I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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