look no pants
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Drunk is not a location!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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