Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
