Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
