she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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