I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
