everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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