Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You are the jesus of drinking
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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