My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
