I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
