I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sober January is a disaster.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
