guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
