the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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