did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
