ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
