I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
