I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
