I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
