I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
