Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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