We won't sleep together?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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