haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
