Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
