I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
