ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
