So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
