That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
