dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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