I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
im holly from the hills drunk
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
