Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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