You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
