Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Houston, we have a blender
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
