got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Girls should come with a carfax report
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
