i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
