she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
