he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
