She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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