I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
