apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
