i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Someone signed my nipple.
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