I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
