I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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